I just subscribed to this blog* based on one particular line (from this post):
I discussed this fear in therapy a lot, which was much more enjoyable than facing the fear.
Ohhhhhhhhh boy, do i ever know all about that. Storytime! Grab your blankies and some cookies.
I started therapy when i was 8 or 9, and i went regularly (once a week) until i went to college at age 18. From that point, i went about once a month until i was about 20. Then, in my mid-20s, i was back in therapy for about two years to help me deal with some really intense life-crap that was going on at the time. Okay, Storytime’s over.
See what i did there? Or rather, what i did not do? I didn’t go into the Why I Was There bits, which i could easily write an entire blog’s worth about (more on that in a minute). In the 8-18 range, i saw three different therapists and one psychiatrist. Each time i saw someone new, it took me about 4-5 sessions just to get them caught up on my history, on why i was there. It was an easy way to Not Talk About It. It was more recitation than actual discussion or explanation. By the time i had the main story out there, i had an idea of who i was working with, and the ways in which i could manipulate them into letting me get away with even more Not Talking About It. I like to think that last bit, the manipulation part, was less a conscious decision – but in all honestly, i don’t know if that’s actually true. I do think it was a defense mechanism: because talking about fear is a hell of a lot easier than actually facing it.
It’s the recitation bit that’s really potentially harmful, though. It lets us fool ourselves into thinking that we’re actually dealing with things, actually making progress. It’s not progress. It’s not moving forward. It’s not always moving backward, but it can be a lot of side-stepping.
To explore this, let’s look at recitation in other mediums – specifically, in theatre. If you go to watch a play once, you’re going to (hopefully) enjoy it, get wrapped up in it, and enjoy the performance. If you’re an usher, and you watch the play multiple times, you’re going to notice that the actors are very often using the same inflections and intonations in each repeat. Some really good actors can stay grounded in the moment of their deliveries, and manage to retain the emotional impact; with those actors, you’ll notice (if you watch repeatedly and carefully) slight variations in the retellings.
I hesitate to use this analogy because it does have its failings – the primary one being that when most individuals break into recitation, it’s not a conscious decision to engage in an act. However, the analogy works in that our recitations can retain phrasing and intonation from previous tellings of our stories. The problems sneak up on us when we’re not grounded in the delivery, when we don’t take into account who we’re telling, why we’re telling, or even what might have changed between this retelling and the last. When that happens, these recitations are not really honest.
To be fair: recitations are partly natural and even potentially helpful. If you have to tell the same story over and over, it’s only natural that you’re going to develop an efficient and effective way of telling it. If you just need to convey information, there’s nothing wrong with it – so long as you are utilizing it as only part of the therapeutic process.
But recitation doesn’t let you look at the situation from a different angle, or let you relate it to current events in your life. It is a snapshot, an elaborate Polaroid of Who You Were At One Point. When we try to use recitation as a means of relating to someone else’s life experience (“I know what you’re going through, [insert story]“), it can be outwardly destructive (although usually unintentionally so).
Very rarely will we encounter someone who calls us out on this behaviour. This is partly because it isn’t always perceived as performance, but also partly because of the cost vs. benefit of calling us on it. This lets us believe that this mode of relating personal experience is, for the most part, a successful one.
In a therapeutic context, recitation is most likely to occur relatively early in the relationship. The therapist, if they’re particularly insightful, may very well see that we are delivering the canonical version of Our Life StoryTM. However, they’re also going to recognize that the trust in the relationship has not yet been established; responding in a manner that might put the person on the defensive is more than a little counter-productive. Calling them out early (or sometimes, at all) runs the risk of making them feel invalidated or alienated – both from the therapist as well as from the therapeutic process.
What this means is that we ultimately cannot rely on others to call us out on our evasive maneuvers or behaviours – can not and should not. Part of the process of becoming more whole and healthy people involves developing more self-awareness and cultivating habits of self-honesty.
* – A few things of note, here: the blog i initially linked is a damn good blog – very insightful and intelligently written – and i would have subscribed to it anyway; the quoted bit was just icing on the proverbial cake. I also don’t mean to detract from the primary point of the post by taking out just one quote and using it to expand on it in an entirely different direction. It’s just such a damn good statement, and can be applied to SO MANY THINGS. Love it, i does.
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