Last night, at 10:45pm, i started installing Ubuntu.
Lemme give some backstory here. We were recently able to get our hands on an external 1.5TB drive, and we hooked it up to the network. About two days ago i finished moving all of my data over to that drive. It occurred to me that since i now had the option of backing up all of my stuff, i had no reason to stick with Vista. Or rather, no real reason to not give Ubuntu another whirl.
I was able to find a really neat walkthrough on how to set up a dual boot with Vista/Ubuntu when Vista is installed first. I can’t find my Vista install CD, and didn’t want to be left dead in the water. So dual-boot it was.
It should be noted here that i am not the average computer user. I started doing tech support in 1999, and have been working in that field supporting PCs and Macs. I don’t know much about Linux, and have heard that Ubuntu is a nice little wading pool that i can use to get me started. It’s supposed to be all sorts of user-friendly, with the “it just works” attitude.
I downloaded Ubuntu 9.10 (the latest release), burned the .iso to disc, created a new partition on my hard drive, and last night at 10:45pm, i started installing Ubuntu. Just because i can, i took notes. With timestamps, no less. Here are my notes from this process. For the sake of my sanity, i am not worrying about correct capitalization in my quoted note bits.
10:45pm – started ubuntu install.
10:49 – have been @ black screen for 1-2 minutes. had an ubuntu logo for ~30 seconds, but it’s gone now.
10:51 – restart.
10:53 – trying install again. flashing cursor (~30 sec.)
10:54 – ubuntu logo.
10:55 – black screen. no indications of disc/HD activity.
10:59 – black screen flickered briefly, went back to no indications of disc/HD activity.
11:09 – no change. restart.
11:11 – tried “check disc for defects” option. flashing cursor.
11:12 – ubuntu logo.
11:13 – black screen. no disc/hd activity. held down power button to restart, briefly saw error message: “unable to find a medium containing a live file system.”
Tried partitioning the unallocated space with no format, no drive letter.
11:40 – install again. flashing cursor (~30 sec), ubuntu logo, blank screen.
11:45 – hard boot, went back into vista.
Created new Ubuntu disc from the .iso, using InfraRecorder on the slowest write speed (as per recommendation from the Ubuntu forums)
12:17 – starting over, selecting option to check disc for defects. back to the blinking cursor, logo, blank screen. again, no disc/hd activity.
12:25 – restarted after same error message about “live file system”
As per a post i found on some Ubuntu forums, i ran chkdisk /r /f . This took several episodes of Star Trek DS9… about 2.5 hours. It found 0 bad file records. From there, i tried again to install Ubuntu from the disc. Now i noticed that the error message was that it could not find the .iso. Decided to try installing in Windows with a program called Wubi.
3:18am – restart into ubuntu, decided to try alternate boot options.
- tried with “safe graphic mode” – led to the ever-present blank screen.
- tried with ACPI workaround – looks like progress…? getting lots of text on screen, then it actually proceeded to install! holy fucking shit batman!
BUT! on reboot (@ approx. 3:34am), got back to black screen. had booted into normal mode, will try recovery mode next…. same problem.
This is about when i noticed that if, instead of holding down the power button to hard boot my computer, if i just hit it once and let go, it would drop me into some kind of shell. Whee! This is the error message i got:
Gave up waiting for boot device. Common problems:
- Boot args (cat /proc/cmdline)
- check rootdelay = (did the system wait long enough?)
- check root = (did the system wait for the right device?)
- missing modules (cat /proc/modules ; ls /dev)
ALERT! /dev/sda1 does not exist. Dropping to a shell!
Booted into Vista. Restarted into normal Ubuntu. Got comfy. Same routine with the cursor, logo, and inescapable blank screen. Fark that. Booted back into Vista. Uninstalled wubi-ubuntu. Ran Ccleaner. Deleted blank partition, expanded primary partition (back to having only one partition on the HD). rebooted, went back into Vista.
4:15 – ran wubi. rebooted when it prompted to do so, selected install with ACPI workarounds. installing is very slow. completed. rebooting into ubuntu.
4:28 – logo. waiting. same errors. typing “exit” in the shell just brings me back to to same errors i quoted above.
4:32 – rebooting back into Vista. Researching. some things to try:
- sudo gedit /boot/grub/menu.lst
(make sure root = /dev/sda1)
4:41 – rebooting back into ubuntu to try this…. sudo is not recognized? gedit is not recognized? how the hairy fuck am i supposed to DO any of this shit that’s being recommended if i can’t get to a shell that recognizes these commands?!
Here’s where i finally got my poor husband involved. He knows way more about Linux than i do. Apparently, the problems i was having? Were not uncommon with people trying to install 9.10, and that 9.10 was just a really problematic release. HA! Okay, so, time to dig up a copy of 9.04. While i was at it, i figured i’d burn two install discs: one for Ubuntu Studio 9.04 (since i’ll be installing those apps anyway), and one for Ubuntu 9.04. It should be noted that ALL of the installs i’ve been using thus far have been amd64 releases, because i have an amd64 processor. I checked around, and was able to find no reason to not keep using the amd64 versions of these iso files.
And, having just read a few things about how 9.10 installs had borked some folks’ master boot records, i decided it was as good a time as any to create a Vista Recovery Disc. I’d been needing to do that for a while, and i was not going to proceed any farther without it. Got that done, moved on…
5:55 – installing ubuntu studio 9.04 from a disc onto a blank HD partition. NO WUBI this time. FUCK WUBI. got the blinking cursor after selecting install. install STARTED?! … failing on cd-rom drives. how is this possible? i’m installing from… oh. well, i’m installing from a dvd-rom. but uh. trying again. no. aborting install. moving on to plain ubuntu 9.04 install.
LAST. ATTEMPT.
6:18 – installing plain ubuntu 9.04 (64 amd release), again onto partition, again NO WUBI (doing this from disc). Ooh. New error message! Yay!
ERROR: Your BIOS does not provide ACPI_PSS objects in a way that Linux understands.
Fuck a bunch of this shit. No really. I was, at that point, 15 minutes away from working on this for eight solid hours. You know, i have issues with Windows, but i have NEVER IN MY FUCKING LIFE HAD A WINDOWS INSTALL TAKE EIGHT BLOODY HOURS. Never in my life have i seen people offering such helpful suggestions as “trouble installing this OS? just boot into the OS and re-write your cd-rom drivers.” HELLO. HOW CAN I BOOT INTO THE OS IF I CAN’T INSTALL THE OS AND FUCK THE HELL OUT OF WRITING MY OWN DRIVERS. JUST NO.
And thus concludes my magical journey of discovery into the happy unicorn land of Ubuntu.
Every week, i can’t help but gloat on Facebook about how much i saved during my weekly grocery run. I think my best yet was one where i paid around $100, but my savings were around $50. There were a lot of stock items (condiments, rice, flour, etc), but ultimately the food from that one shop lasted us about 2-3 weeks. Today i spent about $80 and saved $40. I figured i’d share some tips on how to get started, and how to keep up with it every week.
How to get started
First things first: get yourself a coupon organizer. I think mine cost maybe $3. It’s a plastic sectioned envelope type thingie, and came with alphabetized inserts for the tabs (i like to alphabetize by brand, but that’s just me). There are some nicer ones out there, but the goal is to save money. Hell, if a fancy schmancy coupon organizer is going to make you more inclined to use it? Go nuts. Whatever floats your duckies.
Make sure you get some decent scissors. Again, nothing fancy here. The trick is to keep them in the coupon organizer so that other members of your household don’t try to use them for something else, thus dulling the edges. Or if you already have some you can use, good times. If they don’t cut through thin paper very well, you can sharpen them up a bit by cutting through a layer or two of tin foil every now and then. Coupon paper tends to be pretty thin, so decent scissors are important, if for no other reason than keeping your frustration levels low.
Get a Sunday paper. Sometimes my local paper does a “double coupon” Sunday paper, but it doesn’t give you more variety of coupons, just more of the same. That can be nice for when you’re getting started, but it’s going to be more expensive than the usual paper, and not really worth it once you’ve built up a good stash of coupons.
The weekly process
I like to get it all done on Sunday: go out, pick up a paper, do my coupon bits (more on that in a minute), then go back out and do the shop the same day. But yanno, whatever fits your schedule.
Once i have my paper, here’s what i do: i pull out all of the store inserts and the coupons, and put the rest of the paper straight back into the plastic bag it came in. Go through all of the store inserts – the “less likely” ones first. I’m probably not going to need anything from Target or Best Buy, but sometimes you run across some good deals that way. (I recently had to get a new monitor; it was a President’s Day sale at Office Depot – $30 off the usual price. Score!) Toss the inserts as you’re done with them. The grocery store inserts get put aside for later.
You’ll find some surprising deals in there. I have coupons for oil changes, restaurant coupons (buy one get one free at IHOP, hell yeah), eye exams – all sorts of stuff.
Next up are the coupons. They usually come in little unbound booklets. This is actually somewhat tricksy: you’ll see a lot of stuff that you wouldn’t normally buy, but oh hey there’s a coupon. I try to only clip coupons for things i would be buying anyway. You don’t want to get into the mindset of buying something just because you happen to have a coupon for it. Also, some of those coupons aren’t really as good as they might sound: any coupon that says “X amount off when you buy two”? Commits you to buying two of that item. Sometimes those are handy, but i’m inclined to ignore them, especially when the math just doesn’t add up.
Example: today i saw a coupon for a dollar off of Pringles… when you buy four of them. I’d be saving $0.25 per can of Pringles; around here, they go for almost $2 a can, pre-coupon – i’d be spending $7 and saving $1. Ew. Avoid “spending money to save money”, because nothing saves money quite like not spending it in the first place. I guess if you really like Pringles, it’s okay. If you must clip those coupons, try to combine them with in-store deals for a better bargain. Progresso soups are buy one get one free this week, and you have a coupon for $1 off when you buy two? Sweet!
Once you’re done clipping the coupons, file them away in your organizer. You can file as you go, but i find it’s more time-efficient to clip them all, then file them. You’ll notice that coupon expiration dates vary by quite a bit. Today i found some coupons that expired in 2-3 weeks, and a few that were good until July. In any case, just file them and move on. We’ll come back to the coupons in a minute.
Next up: the grocery inserts. Most areas have more than one large chain; around here we have Kroger, Publix, and Wayfield. Sometimes one store has better/more deals. They’re in competition with each other, so a lot of times, they’ll have sales on similar items.
Open Notepad (or any other text editor you prefer), and as you go through the store inserts, make a list of what sales you’re interested in from each store; be sure to list the brand and the deal in question. Example: “classico pasta sauce – buy one get one free.” Be sure to keep each store’s sales in separate lists, so you don’t get confused about what’s on sale where. If you want to be uber-ninja about it, you can split up your shopping at the different stores, but i usually can’t be bothered to go that nuts. So when you’re done, you can decide which store you’re going to be visiting this week, based on which one has better/more stuff on sale. As you’re going through the pages, come up with a mental meal plan.
Back to the coupons. With Notepad still open, go through each section of your organizer and look at the coupons; now that you know what’s on sale, you can try to combine the in-store deals with coupons for better savings.
An important tip: as you’re going through the coupons, take note of the dates on them. Pull out the ones that are going to expire by next Sunday; toss anything you won’t need to buy that week. This process is good for two reasons: first, it helps keep your organizer up to date, and free of frustrations ($5 off this awesome thing that expired a month ago, arg). Secondly, it can be a good reminder of the things you don’t always think about buying – light bulbs, batteries, a new toothbrush, etc. But if you don’t need it right away, and you have another coupon for it that expires later, just toss it. Be merciless. Coupons don’t have feelings.
The nice thing about doing your grocery list in Notepad is that you can then rearrange the items in the order you generally shop: produce first, random dry goods next, dairy products next, frozen foods last. Fill it out with things you might need to complete your weekly meal plan (e.g., if you’re buying hot dogs, don’t forget the buns). Then you can either write it down on paper or print it out, whichever ink you feel like using. Put the coupons you’re going to be using in a happy little pile somewhere, or stick them in your pocket/purse/whatever.
Tips for the actual shopping process
You can bring your coupon organizer with you, but i’ve found it a bit unwieldy. Also, it inclines me towards thinking, “oh, i have a coupon for that, i’ll just snag some while i’m here…” No. Resist temptation. Stick to your list. Do not stray from the path.
Don’t be sold on your coupons. Today i had a $3 off coupon for Prilosec, but the generic store brand was $10 cheaper, for twice the amount. Screw the coupon! A lot of your savings won’t actually show up on your final bill, because it doesn’t take into account when you buy a cheaper brand without a coupon. And the in-store deal of 10 bags of Green Giant frozen veggies for $10 sounds great, but not when you compare it to the store brand is selling for $0.89.
Pay attention to the fine print on the items’ shelf tags. Sometimes one brand of ketchup will cost more, but has a better price per ounce. I tend to go for things with a better price by weight or amount, especially with “stock” items – things you keep around the kitchen and don’t use up in one go (spices, condiments, rice, flour, etc). The aforementioned generic Prilosec was $17.99 for 28 tablets, but $18.99 for 42 tablets. You might spend a wee bit more, but you’re getting more for your money. If numbers make your face hurt, snag a calculator to bring with you on your store runs.
As you’re going, weed out the coupons that you’re not going to be using. That way, when you get to the register, you’re not having to stand there and sort through them, trying to remember what you have and haven’t purchased.
Final thoughts
Fresh produce is generally harvested before it’s ripened, which means that it’s ripening en route, be it in the back of a semi-truck or a crate in the back of the store. Canned or frozen produce is harvested and processed when it is already ripe – so it’s actually slightly better for you (which will make it more satisfying/satiating), and will last longer. Also, the prices on frozen or canned produce generally doesn’t vary by season, like it does with fresh produce. I generally only buy fresh fruits or veggies when they’re on sale, or when we just really want something you can’t get canned or frozen – apples, oranges, bananas, that sort of thing.
While we’re on the subject of produce… Organic doesn’t mean what you probably think it means, and the regulations on what can be labeled as “organic” are a bit stretchy. It’s also more expensive. If you really feel the need to buy fresh, organic produce, skip the grocery store and scope out your nearest farmer’s market. If you have a good farmer’s market nearby, see if you can get your spices there. The one we go to has spices in bulk for a fraction of what we’d pay at the grocery store.
Get over brand names. Seriously. Nine times out of ten, the cheaper store brand is just as good as the more expensive name brand.
There are a stupid amount of websites that have coupons you might not find in your Sunday paper. This sounds like a great idea, until you consider that it’s likely you’ll have to print them out. Considering that printer ink is insanely expensive, it’s probably not worth it for your weekly grocery shopping.
That being said, most large grocery stores have websites where you can look at electronic versions of the inserts you’d be getting in your Sunday paper. So if you forget to pick up a paper, or just don’t feel up for going on on Sunday, you can browse the inserts online and just go through the coupons you already have.
The more you do this, the better you’ll get at it. My first week with coupons, i think i spent $100 and saved $20, and the food i got lasted just under a week. I was proud at the time, but looking back on it, i cringe. A few weeks ago i saw a story in the paper about a coupon-mad mom who feeds her family of four on $20 a week. Don’t expect that to happen right away. Also bear in mind that if you’re comparing deals as you’re shopping, not all of your ultimate savings will show on up on the final receipt. And don’t be discouraged: this really is a skill, and you will get better with practice.
Some people may remember a Lindsay who went out to clubs and restaurants with friends, a woman who would hang out at other people’s houses for days on end. I’m not that person anymore. Truth be told, i was never all that comfortable in loud places – i could never hear anything being said, and felt like i couldn’t speak loudly enough to be heard. The more people there are, the less comfortable i am. I like my own space. I’m an introvert: i enjoy time spent alone – it’s how i recharge my batteries.
Some people may remember a Lindsay who could talk on the phone for hours at a time. I used to like talking on the phone, and then i started doing tech support for a living. Half of a tech support job is making small talk while computers reboot or while antivirus programs do their thing. Nowadays, it’s hard for me to pick up the phone to call someone – even if i really want to talk with them, hear how they’re doing, or tell them that i’ve been thinking about them. Gods bless the internet, because it’s a means of keeping contact with loved ones that does NOT involve phones; an e-mail can be written and sent anytime, whereas phone calls ought to be restricted to non-working or non-sleeping hours. But i’ll admit, i’m not so great at that. I tend to forget there’s a world of people outside of my field of vision. While i used to ignore people out of anger, these days a lack of contact is usually nothing more than sheer forgetfulness – a lack of awareness of the passage of time. That is something that i do try to work on, and it’s not easy.
Some people may remember a Lindsay who wasn’t thin, but wasn’t what you’d call fat, either. I am Officially Fat, and have been for some time. I’m not insulting myself here, just stating a fact. On one hand, i’m no longer inclined to view “fat” as an insult, but as a description – it has no more inherent moral value than tall, short, round or square. On the other hand, i do still have my own self-image issues, as do many people. Those issues have also changed over the years: i’m no longer as concerned about how my belly or upper arms look: i’m more concerned about how my body functions – or how it doesn’t. My health is by no means horrible, but it’s not great either. Fibromyalgia keeps me sore and tired just as often as not, and endometriosis has all but guaranteed that i’ll never pass that on to the next generation. But at the same time, learning to live with those things have taught me how to better take care of myself. I’m better at listening to my body, better at understanding what it can or cannot do, what it does or does not want.
These are but a few examples to show that Lindsay of 10 years ago doesn’t exist anymore. The Lindsay of 5 years ago disappears a little more every day, every week. This Lindsay is a continuous work in progress.
Some people who’ve known me a long time may not see the changes that have occurred, or may not understand how and why those changes have come about. They may be seen as negative things, misinterpreted as having been imposed on me by others. One thing about me that has remained true over the years: i’m not keen on being told what to do, or what to not do. That rebellious streak is less reactive, less self-destructive, but i assure you that it’s still there. The minute i think someone is trying to pin me down, i’m Done. I’m outta there.
Some of the changes may come across as upsetting or depressing, but the Lindsay i am now is a happy Lindsay. I’m married to a wonderful man who loves me – not in spite of all of my idiosyncrasies and faults, but as a whole person. Good and bad, better and worse, in sickness and in health. I’ve long believed that love doesn’t change a person into someone they’re not: it makes them more of who they really are. The Lindsay i am now is more Lindsay than i was a decade ago. I can honestly and openly be who i am, without fear of reprisal or withdrawing of affection.
I remember being a very young Lindsay, a child who would rather curl up in a quiet room with a book, a Lindsay who felt awkward at social gatherings and just wanted to go off by herself. A Lindsay who didn’t understand why she seemed to experience more “growing pains” than any of the other kids around her. I think back on her sometimes, and wish i could tell her that in a whole bunch of years, she’ll get to be herself. She’ll understand more of what’s going on around and inside her, and she’ll be comfortable in her own skin. She’ll have good and bad times, healthy and unhealthy relationships, friends that come and friends that go… and she’ll learn so much from all of those experiences. They’re all Worth It. Chances are, she wouldn’t really understand the depth of all that that entails; i’d have to make do with a “just get through this, kid, and you’ll be okay.”
I remember a Lindsay in her early 20s, a young woman on an emotional roller coaster: intense relationships (good and bad); health issues getting worse, but finally getting names (and treatments) for the causes; loving and losing, and feeling it all perhaps just a little too much. If i could go back in time, i wouldn’t tell her a single thing: i’m a firm believer in giving no spoilers. I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise of how wonderfully her life will turn out for her. I would want her to experience all of the joy and heartache, the frustration and relief, all so that she can learn from them. All of those things made me who i am today, and i like the person i see in the mirror.
I look at myself now, at this Lindsay of present times. Sometimes i still don’t feel like i know who i am, but i’m okay with that: it’s that feeling of not knowing that spurs on the desire to find out, to learn more. I know myself better than i did five years ago. Five years from now, that same statement will be just as true.
Every week, i pick up a Sunday paper, clip the coupons, and make my weekly shopping list based on the best deals at the local stores. This week, the better deals were at Kroger (6 miles from my house), as opposed to Publix (4 miles from my house). So i went to Kroger, got a good haul of food (at least 2 weeks worth), and saved $40 with in-store deals and coupons. Booyah.
While i was there, my husband texted me to let me know we were low on dog food. So i went to the pet food aisle and when i saw the dog food in question, i was dead certain that it was cheaper at Publix. So i finished up my shop at Kroger, loaded groceries into the trunk of the car, and then made my way to Publix.
In the Publix parking lot, i had to slam on the brakes to narrowly avoid hitting a little black cat that had run in front of my car. I wasn’t going all that fast, but it still rattled me – partly because i’d almost hit a kitty, but also because it made me sad that this kitty was running through a grocery store parking lot. I watched it, and it quickly ran off into some nearby woods, which was certainly the better alternative.
I made my way to a parking spot, parked the car, put the club on the steering wheel, all the usual stuff. Got out of the car, locking the doors on my way out, and went into the store. Felt like i was missing something. I haven’t carried a purse in months, preferring a slim wallet in my back pocket, so it wasn’t that. I did a quick check: wallet in back pocket? Yes. Phone in front pocket? Yes. Keys clipped to belt loop? No. No? Keys in pocket? Also no. Um. Keys? Well, crap.
I ran back to my car and arrived to see my keys happily resting on the front seat, where they’d fallen when i hadn’t quite clipped them to my belt loop. Oops. Did a quick check of all of the doors, just in case they were pretending to be locked but really weren’t. Heh. No go on that. So i called the friend i’d bought the car from and asked him if he knew any tricks regarding opening the car without keys. He didn’t, but we had a good laugh about it.
I then called Progressive, my insurance provider. I have roadside assistance on my plan, and figured that was my best bet. I have to say, i love Progressive. Love love love. Best auto insurer ever. The people are always friendly, the service is always good, and it’s just good times. The lady i spoke with was, as per usual, friendly and helpful, got all my information and said someone would be along shortly.
About fifteen minutes later, someone was there and used some spiffing tools to get my car open. Absolutely brilliant: he used an inflatable pad to ease open the top of the door, and then used a long thin wide plastic-covered wire to push the unlock button. Presto! Completely awesome. I thanked him profusely, got my keys, locked the car back up (naturally making sure the keys were firmly clipped to my belt loop, and signed the paperwork that stated he’d helped me. No charge. Have i mentioned i love Progressive?
Went into the store, snagged a cart and went to the pet food aisle. The punchline, folks, is that the dog food? Same price in Publix as it was at Kroger. HA! But i decided to splurge on some pumpkin egg nog (!!!), so it was worth it.
And for whatever reason? I think this is all absolutely hysterical. I’ve never locked my keys in my car before. First time for everything, i suppose.
I had an interesting thought earlier, as i was driving. And naturally, with no pen, paper or keyboard to record the thought, it seems to have disappeared forever into the ether. This is not an uncommon thing for me, but that does little to ease the frustration of sitting here, fingers poised over keys, waiting for the thought that cannot be tempted back for love nor money.
So i’ve put on my headphones, started some music and am going to type for a bit. See if something interesting comes of it.
I’ve had a strong urge to cut my hair for a while now. I sometimes dream of having long thick hair; something that i can hide behind or truss up in fancy styles: whichever my mood dictates. But it’s just not meant to be: my hair is thin, soft and fragile. When it does manage to get long, it can’t make up its mind whether it wants to be frizzy or stringy, so it alternates between the two.
So every now and then i buzz it down to the scalp and leave it be until it’s too long to ignore. It’s currently at that unignorable stage – it has to be wetted and combed in order to be presentable. Granted, i don’t currently care much about presentable, given that i’m currently amongst the 10.2% of the population that can’t find gainful employment. Common sense and my husband both tell me that, with regards to haircuts, it’s best to wait on anything that the outside world might consider drastic.
There are other things about me that are simply not meant to be; the same can be said of anyone and everyone else out there. We want to be taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, older, younger; the grass is always greener, likely because it’s fertilized with shit. Life doesn’t get easier or better when fat people lose weight, when the poor become rich, or when short grow a few inches.
Of those three things, all of them contain some amount of myth, as they are part of the mythos of the Better Life. What is difficult for some may well be impossible for others – and the distinction doesn’t lie in determination of will, but in circumstances often beyond our control.
There are thin people who want to gain weight, and are just as tired of being told to eat a sammich as i am tired of being told to stop stuffing cheeseburgers into my face. There are tall people who are tired of hearing “how’s the weather up there”, tired of the jokes about amazons or basketball players, just as there are short people tired of being teased about “little man syndrome”. There are rich people who think their lives would be easier if they didn’t have so much to worry about losing – just as there are poor people who think their lives would be easier if they suddenly came into a large sum of money.
And all of these thoughts, they’re valid to some degree. It’s like the person who, in this economy, dares to complain about their job. No doubt there are dozens of people more than happy to jump their shit about how they should be grateful to have a job at all. Problem is: both sides are right. People who have jobs are indeed lucky to have them, but they’re also facing heavier workloads and longer hours to make up for the people their companies can’t afford to hire. They’re developing ulcers or losing hair over the proverbial axes hanging over their necks.
Life is just hard. That’s it. End of story.
But not really. Hard doesn’t mean Not Beautiful. Doesn’t mean Not Worth It. Far from it.
And here’s where i get stumped. Because the Why isn’t as simple as any metaphors about closed doors and opened windows, or the darkest hours being just before dawn. If you’re religious, you can give pause and consider the miracle of human life, the act of creation, the awe of it all. If you’re an atheist, you can still pause and consider that even if human beings aren’t divine creations, we’re still some amazingly intricate creatures. But even that doesn’t really answer the Why. Just because my molecules reflect events in the cosmos, doesn’t mean i’m going to stress any less over making sure the rent and utilities get paid.
Balancing the mundane and the magical… sometimes i wonder if such a thing is even possible. I know i’ve yet to really figure it out. Sure, i’m made of star stuff – but so are we all. In that, i’m no more or less special than anyone else. So then i guess there’s awe to be had in the idea that in this immense world, we’re all so similar while being so different. We all bleed red, but we have fingerprints like snowflakes.
Awe, yes; comfort, no… if for no other reason than i believe those two things might well be mutually exclusive. How can we ever come together, with so many things to divide us? Gender, race, orientation, religion, political association, tax brackets; we all have some privilege that’s deprived of someone else. So life is hard. But the fact remains that we somehow manage to come together at times, even if only momentarily… and life is beautiful.
I think that’s all i got, for now. In re-reading before posting, it feels a bit disjointed. But i’m feeling a bit disjointed, so i guess it’s only fair that my writings would be as well.
I’m going to start by explaining the title of this post in sections.
Socially acceptable – sure, there’s no shortage of people willing to spend oodles of time mocking Twilight and its fanbase… but it’s still something that’s shown in theaters, still something you can easily buy at almost any store with a book section – without walking through a beaded curtain. I could go to my local 24-hour Kroger and pick up a copy of Twilight – something i couldn’t do with Debbie Does Dallas, or even a copy of Playboy magazine. (Granted, i live in the south, where you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays – so that may be a regional thing, at least in the case of nudie mags.)
Another aspect of the “socially acceptable” bit: based on what i’ve heard from my friends, girls/women seem to have no problem asking their boyfriends/husbands to come with them to watch Twilight in the theaters… but how would they feel if their male companions asked them on a date to a strip club? I don’t see that going over well, not at all.
Girl – it is marketed as a Young Adult novel, not as an adult romance novel. That may be the fault of the publishing house, rather than the author – but regardless of who put it in that category, that’s still how it’s being marketed.
Porn – This one needs a bit more description than the rest of the statement, as it’s the most controversial.
What do you call a movie that centers around a male lead, where any/all female characters exist solely for the purpose of the male’s stimulation and gratification? Where the male lead is desired by every female in the movie? Where the females are only there to make the appropriate noises and faces that better enhance the male’s excitement? You’d probably call it porn.
But wait, what happens if you swap the genders? A movie that centers around a female lead, where any/all of the male characters exist solely for the purpose of the female’s stimulation and gratification? Where the female lead is desired by every male in the movie? Where males are only there to make the appropriate noises and faces that better enhance the female’s excitement?
That, my friends, is still porn. But that’s what Twilight is.
In male porn, the males are actually relatively disposable. They are a walking penis – whose ultimate goal is to make the women make those noises and faces that the viewers (stereotypically men) are there to see. The men who watch porn generally don’t want to watch men having sex with women, they want to imagine themselves as the man who is having sex with women on screen.
In Twilight, Bella is relatively disposable; the Twilight fans aren’t there to see her, they’re there to proclaim themselves Edward or Jacob fans: they themselves want to be desired by Edward or Jacob.
The central figures in these sorts of stories are often as minimally-described (i hesitate to say “stripped down”) as possible. Bella is an Average Girl that quickens the cold heart of the vampire to new-found love… in the same way (and with exactly the same realism) that Willie The Pool Boy doesn’t get called to the house to clean out hair clogs from pool filters, but to satisfy the lady of the house as only he can.
Characters like Bella and Willie need to be disposable so that the viewer can easily imagine themselves in their position – that’s part of the fantasy involved in pornography.
Some might argue that Twilight is fantasy, maybe erotica – but definitely not porn. After all – porn isn’t socially acceptable. There’s a difference between porn and erotica, but determining the delineation between the two often depends on who you ask. Some say that porn is graphic or sexually explicit, whereas erotica is not; it comes down to a matter of just how much is described/shown.
In my opinion, the difference between porn and erotica is the characters – do they actually have a personality, do they have any depth to them? We don’t need a fifty-page outline of their life story, but even a hint of depth goes a long way.
One of the criteria of the heroine in a romance novel is that she is simultaneously generic and exceptional. She is often described with words and phrases such as vibrant, full of life, fiery, or tempestuous. (I once had a particularly vibrant set of curtains, but it honestly never occurred to me to get into a hot and steamy relationship with them.) This heroine needs to be generic enough that she can be mentally replaced with/by the reader, but at the same time, all of the other characters in the story need to view her as exceptional – to titillate the reader’s replacement fantasy.
The vampire mythos allows us to extent this to hyperbolic heights. The female protagonist is not only the most exceptional girl in town, or the most exceptional lady in court; she is the most exceptional woman that this being has encountered in centuries. The deal is only sweetened by the distance between the vampire’s reactions – he didn’t just reject all of those other women, he probably killed them brutally. This is the end-all-be-all version of having the man on your arm insult his most recent ex in your presence.
I’ve heard some Twilight fans claim that it endorses or encourages abstinence in its teenage readers. Abstinence is about more than figuring out which body part should or shouldn’t go into which orifice. If it encourages young women to carefully consider the potential long-term and/or life-changing consequences of a sexually active lifestyle? Great. I’m not of the opinion that everyone should wait until they’re married, but i do think it’s a good idea to wait until you’re in a healthy and safe relationship – both with yourself as well as with your partner. I’d love to see some statistics on whether or not that’s actually the case: are teenage Twilight fans more likely to abstain from sexual relationships?
Even if that does turn out to be the case, therein lies another problem: Twilight does not promote healthy and safe relationship dynamics. The series promotes codependency as preferable or optimal in a relationship. It’s viewed as the epitome of romance; anything less than the perpetually thrilling barb of mutual deceit and emotional manipulation is not regarded as Real Love.
It promotes an ideal that is, in reality, an incredibly destructive social dynamic. With a Debbie Does Dallas-style fantasy, it happens or it doesn’t. But with a Twilight-style fantasy, you can always keep trying until you turn your relationship(s) into that. If your Vampire Lover abandons you, well, there’s always the Werewolf boy next door.
I am an organ donor. When i die, i want my body donated. Take what other people can use from it, and then send it on to science, where it can be used to teach medical students or further some understanding of whatever’s applicable.
My grandfather died when i was 2; he had lymphatic cancer, and when he died, he donated his body to science in the hopes of furthering understanding of cancer and such. When my grandma died three years ago (of nothing other than old age – she was 93), we did the same thing. I was not able to be there when she was dying, but i was able to get into town the next day. My dad and i went to the hospital to take care of whatever paperwork needed to be done; when they asked if we wanted to see the body, neither my dad nor i had any interest. Partly because we didn’t want that to be our last memory of her (my dad was also out of town when she died), but also: she wasn’t in there anymore. It was just the shell that, at one point, happened to house one of our favorite souls on the planet.
We told them that, as per her wishes, we wanted her body donated to science. I was more than a little dismayed to find out that this was such a rare request that they had to actually make an hour’s worth of phone calls to find out what all was involved in the process.
I view my body as the temporary housing of my soul. I like to decorate it with piercings and tattoos, because really: who moves into a house and doesn’t decorate? And yet, i have little to no interest in fashion; ironic, perhaps, but that’s another post. My piercings are mostly decorative, but my tattoos are milestone markers – they all tell stories of events and realizations that had a profound impact on my life, on who i am as a person. But again, those stories are a bit of a tangent, so i’ll leave them for a later post.
I do and do not have any huge attachment to my body. Obviously, it’s the only one i have right now, and as such i want to treat it well and keep it in decent working order. I want it to last as long as it can. But here’s where i slightly disagree with the comic i posted above: i don’t subscribe to the belief that when we die, that’s just it. I believe that when i die, my soul will move on to pastures anew – could be another body, could be another level of existence. I dunno. I don’t know if i believe in Heaven/Hell/Valhalla/Nirvana or whatever. I know this much: i can’t prove they don’t exist (given that you can’t prove a negative), but whatever it is that lies beyond, i’m not quite ready to find out for certain.
In a lot of ways, i see my own body as irrelevant. It’s where i live, and so that makes it relevant to this life, to my current life. But it’s not the end-all-be-all, and it’s not the center of the universe; it doesn’t even have to be the center of anyone else’s life. If someone else doesn’t like it? That’s their problem, not mine. If i don’t like it, that’s my problem – not anyone else’s.
Here’s the thing: in the grand scheme of things, i am a speck, standing on a speck of a planet, which is warmed by a star that is a but mere speck in the universe.
Some people (myself included) think of this and see it as awe-inspiring – they marvel at the vast expansiveness of the universe, at the possibilities that such an unimaginably large thing can barely contain. Others see this as a diminishment, as an indicator of their “insignificance”. I think Neil DeGrasse Tyson said it best in his cosmic sermon (which is definitely worth checking out). As he mentions in this speech, he had been contacted by a psychologist who studied the effects of things that made people feel insignificant, and wanted to do a survey with the people who saw one of DeGrasse Tyson’s shows (which involved a ginormous zoom-out from a person to the universe). His response?
“There’s something wrong here. Why does he feel small, but when i look up at the universe, i feel large? Then i realize, the problem is: his ego is too large to begin with. He came to the problem thinking too highly of who and what he was to begin with. Because then, everything that happened in the show destabilized his self-image. Whereas, i know that the molecules in my body are traceable to phenomenon in the cosmos. And it’s our 15 pounds of gray matter that figured this out!”
Parts of this amazing speech are captured beautifully in this video, Symphony of Science:
Do yourself a favor: don’t just scroll past that video. Watch it. Then watch it again. DO EET NAO. For several weeks now, i’ve been trying to resist the temptation to just post the video and the lyrics and shout BECOME ONE WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE!
And yes, if you watch both the (above-linked) sermon and the music video, you’ll notice that they chopped up DeGrasse Tyson’s speech to make it say something only slightly different:
I know that the molecules in my body are traceable
To phenomena in the cosmos
That makes me want to grab people in the street
And say, have you heard this??
It gives me chills just thinking about it. Here’s another awesome quote from Carl Sagan in that video:
The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it
But the way those atoms are put together
The cosmos is also within us
We’re made of star stuff
We are a way for the cosmos to know itself
It makes my throat lumpy to be faced with such beauty, with such an affirmation of the beauty of being made of star stuff. And sure, some of this may sound a bit new-agey, but like DeGrasse Tyson, i’m not going to apologize for the findings of astrophysicists.
An iron meteor created the Barringer Meteorite Crater in Arizona (which is 4,180 feet across and 570 feet deep) some 50,000 years ago. The iron in my blood comes from the same source as the iron in that meteor. In the light of such amazing stuff, i find it mind-boggling that anyone can have the audacity to think things like the size, shape and/or color are valid reasons for discriminating against another human being. Again, i quote Neil DeGrasse Tyson:
We are all connected;
To each other, biologically
To the earth, chemically
To the rest of the universe atomically
We are all connected. Our own individual atoms are all put together differently, and yet we ultimately have the same origins.
I just subscribed to this blog* based on one particular line (from this post):
I discussed this fear in therapy a lot, which was much more enjoyable than facing the fear.
Ohhhhhhhhh boy, do i ever know all about that. Storytime! Grab your blankies and some cookies.
I started therapy when i was 8 or 9, and i went regularly (once a week) until i went to college at age 18. From that point, i went about once a month until i was about 20. Then, in my mid-20s, i was back in therapy for about two years to help me deal with some really intense life-crap that was going on at the time. Okay, Storytime’s over.
See what i did there? Or rather, what i did not do? I didn’t go into the Why I Was There bits, which i could easily write an entire blog’s worth about (more on that in a minute). In the 8-18 range, i saw three different therapists and one psychiatrist. Each time i saw someone new, it took me about 4-5 sessions just to get them caught up on my history, on why i was there. It was an easy way to Not Talk About It. It was more recitation than actual discussion or explanation. By the time i had the main story out there, i had an idea of who i was working with, and the ways in which i could manipulate them into letting me get away with even more Not Talking About It. I like to think that last bit, the manipulation part, was less a conscious decision – but in all honestly, i don’t know if that’s actually true. I do think it was a defense mechanism: because talking about fear is a hell of a lot easier than actually facing it.
It’s the recitation bit that’s really potentially harmful, though. It lets us fool ourselves into thinking that we’re actually dealing with things, actually making progress. It’s not progress. It’s not moving forward. It’s not always moving backward, but it can be a lot of side-stepping.
To explore this, let’s look at recitation in other mediums – specifically, in theatre. If you go to watch a play once, you’re going to (hopefully) enjoy it, get wrapped up in it, and enjoy the performance. If you’re an usher, and you watch the play multiple times, you’re going to notice that the actors are very often using the same inflections and intonations in each repeat. Some really good actors can stay grounded in the moment of their deliveries, and manage to retain the emotional impact; with those actors, you’ll notice (if you watch repeatedly and carefully) slight variations in the retellings.
I hesitate to use this analogy because it does have its failings – the primary one being that when most individuals break into recitation, it’s not a conscious decision to engage in an act. However, the analogy works in that our recitations can retain phrasing and intonation from previous tellings of our stories. The problems sneak up on us when we’re not grounded in the delivery, when we don’t take into account who we’re telling, why we’re telling, or even what might have changed between this retelling and the last. When that happens, these recitations are not really honest.
To be fair: recitations are partly natural and even potentially helpful. If you have to tell the same story over and over, it’s only natural that you’re going to develop an efficient and effective way of telling it. If you just need to convey information, there’s nothing wrong with it – so long as you are utilizing it as only part of the therapeutic process.
But recitation doesn’t let you look at the situation from a different angle, or let you relate it to current events in your life. It is a snapshot, an elaborate Polaroid of Who You Were At One Point. When we try to use recitation as a means of relating to someone else’s life experience (“I know what you’re going through, [insert story]“), it can be outwardly destructive (although usually unintentionally so).
Very rarely will we encounter someone who calls us out on this behaviour. This is partly because it isn’t always perceived as performance, but also partly because of the cost vs. benefit of calling us on it. This lets us believe that this mode of relating personal experience is, for the most part, a successful one.
In a therapeutic context, recitation is most likely to occur relatively early in the relationship. The therapist, if they’re particularly insightful, may very well see that we are delivering the canonical version of Our Life StoryTM. However, they’re also going to recognize that the trust in the relationship has not yet been established; responding in a manner that might put the person on the defensive is more than a little counter-productive. Calling them out early (or sometimes, at all) runs the risk of making them feel invalidated or alienated – both from the therapist as well as from the therapeutic process.
What this means is that we ultimately cannot rely on others to call us out on our evasive maneuvers or behaviours – can not and should not. Part of the process of becoming more whole and healthy people involves developing more self-awareness and cultivating habits of self-honesty.
* – A few things of note, here: the blog i initially linked is a damn good blog – very insightful and intelligently written – and i would have subscribed to it anyway; the quoted bit was just icing on the proverbial cake. I also don’t mean to detract from the primary point of the post by taking out just one quote and using it to expand on it in an entirely different direction. It’s just such a damn good statement, and can be applied to SO MANY THINGS. Love it, i does.
I am always clearing my throat. Damn near constantly. Ever since i was a teenager, i’ve had a chronic itch/tickle in the back of my throat. If i don’t clear my throat, my voice breaks and sometimes just doesn’t work. Clear throat, voice comes back. Very simple. I suspect it’s an allergy thing or a post nasal drip thing, or just another Lindsay’s body is just wonky thing.
I haven’t given it much thought, not in a long time. But a while back, someone said to me, “you should get some lozenges, so your throat doesn’t get raw.” That confused me: why would i need lozenges? Oh yeah, the clearing my throat thing that i do all the time. I explained that it wasn’t a cold or a nervous habit, just that if i didn’t do it, i’d lose my voice.
Since then, i’ve been relatively self-conscious about it. More aware of it. More trying to not do it. More apologizing to the people around me for it – even to my husband, who i’m sure is well used to it after 8 years together.
I can definitely understand how my throat-clearing might be seen as annoying to those around me. But feeling guilty about it won’t make it go away, won’t change anything. It’s something about me that i’ve not yet figured out how to change, if that change is even necessary. While it may be annoying to some, it’s not actively causing harm to anyone. Sound familiar?
This is and is not an analogy; i really do have to clear my throat more than a dozen times a day (it’s generally worst in the morning). We all have our oddities, our idiosyncrasies. And we sometimes get distorted notions about how much these things impact the people around us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. The ones that do, we might need to look at more closely. The ones that don’t, we need to recognize that they don’t, and move on.
I am cross-posting and emailing this =everywhere=… so apologies if you end up seeing it more than once.
[Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at invisibleillnessweek.com. If you are interested in blogging a post like this one please go here: http://invisibleillnessweek.com/?p=2301]
30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know
1. The illnesses I live with are: endometriosis and fibromyalgia. These days, the former is not a daily problem, but the latter is a daily problem more often than not.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: endometriosis can’t really be diagnosed without a surgical procedure to go in and see what’s going on; my last surgery was in 2002. My fibro was diagnosed in 1998 or 1999, i can’t recall.
3. But I had symptoms since: with both endo and fibro, it’s hard to tell when the symptoms started. My periods have always been painful, and they started when i was 13. I remember feeling a lot of general aches and pains since i was a child, but those could have just as easily been caused by the sort of childhood i experienced. The fibro really ramped up when i was 19 and in college, where the pain started to become drastically disproportionate to my experiences.
4. The biggest adjustment I?ve had to make is: honestly, i’ve had these things for so long, i don’t remember living without them. So the adjustments weren’t how i lived with them, but rather how i lived with other people while living with these conditions. Learning how to ask for help was a pretty big one for me.
5. Most people assume: … i have no idea. I can imagine that strangers might assume that any external signs of problems (the occasional limp, awkward gait or other signs of pain) might be due to my size… but that could be me being sensitive about my weight. I can imagine that some of my family might assume that i’m overreacting or being too sensitive… but that could be a misinterpretation on my part. I can imagine a lot of assumptions, but honestly i’ve found that it’s better for my emotional well-being if i don’t take the opinions of strangers into account, and if i recognize that family members still love me even if they don’t always understand what i’m going through.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: wanting to sleep more, but having to get up because it hurts too much to stay in a horizontal position.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: non-existant. I don’t watch television.
8. A gadget I couldn?t live without is: the computer. Since going out is both mentally and physically uncomfortable, it gives me other means of connecting and communicating with the people i care for.
9. The hardest part about nights are: falling asleep. Sometimes it’s hard to find a comfortable position, and i =have= been able to pull my back out just by changing positions in bed.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) – it varies. When i was in my “pretend i’m a guinea pig” phase, the number was anywhere between 5 and 20. Currently, in the morning i take omeprazole for the perpetual heartburn, vitamin D, lysine (if my mucous membranes are feeling raw), omega-3 oil (if my aches and pains are particularly bad), and evening primrose oil (if i’m feeling hormonal or crampy); in the evening, i take one 50mg tablet of Elavil (generic: amitriptyline) to help regulate my sleep cycles and treat the sleep disorder issue that plays chicken/egg with fibro.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried damn near everything, because for ages it was impossible to find a doctor who didn’t say, “oh, just lose some weight and you’ll be fine.” Some of the more notable experiments include: massage, chiropractics, yoga, exercise, a variety of different types of diets, 5-HTP, cayenne, glucosamine (don’t try that one if you’re allergic to shellfish, yikes), magnesium, probiotics, the guiafenesin protocol, turmeric, yerba mat?, and a score of other things i’m forgetting.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: i honestly can’t say. On one hand, a visible illness might make it less necessary for me to constantly explain myself; on the other hand, an invisible illness means that i am less externally defined by a projected image of =any= sort of illness. In this case, if either side of the visible/invisible fence seems greener, i can assure you that i know exactly what it’s being fertilized with.
13. Regarding working and career: i don’t have many options. I need some kind of job with low/minimal physical requirements. For the past decade or so, this has translated into tech support jobs. Currently, i’m between jobs, as outsourcing is the bane of my existance.
14. People would be surprised to know: i don’t really know how to answer this one.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: …? No idea how to answer this, because my invisible illnesses have been with me for 15-20 years.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: walk a mile without needing a day to recover. Amitriptyline has done wonders for me.
17. The commercials about my illness: are things i’ve heard people complain about, but don’t often see (that whole “don’t watch telly” thing). I have seen one commercial for Lyrica, i think. It involved a woman writing something in a diary at one point, and i remember laughing (sarcastically, mind you) at the beautiful and regular handwriting: i know a lot of people with fibro who can barely write legibly because it just hurts too much.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: … there was a very long period of time between the onset of symptoms and actual diagnosis, and an even longer period of time between diagnosis and successful treatment. So i’d be talking about missing things i haven’t been able to do since high school. I guess i’d say i miss riding my bike, but that has more to do with my not-bike-friendly locale and less to do with my ability to actually ride a bike.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the friends who didn’t understand that no, i really DID want to hang out with them, but was feeling too ill to go out that night… or the night after that, or the night after that, or the night after that.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: knitting and crocheting. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes my hands make funny rice krispy noises when i’m doing it, but it makes me feel productive and useful. I can’t clean the house, but i can make hats and afghans that will keep the people i love warm.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: start the morning with a good jog through the neighborhood, meet a friend for coffee at a nearby cafe, take a 5 mile hike through the woods with a picnic lunch, take a stroll through a museum or art gallery, clean the hell out of my house, have friends over for dinner, and go to bed to have gymnastic sex with my husband before falling into an undisturbed and restful sleep.
22. My illness has taught me: how to live with it instead of around it. It takes up a lot of space, and living around it means barely living at all. Living with it means i have to make a lot of sacrifices and compromises, but i’ve learned to be okay with that. For the most part. It has also taught me that health is neither a guarantee, nor is it a moral issue. Chronic conditions are NOT some form of cosmic punishment.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: (i have to pick ONE?) I dislike anything that someone says that either directly states or implies that fibromyalgia is something that you can “think your way out of”. This isn’t mind over matter. This is an honest-to-goodness real and valid physical condition with real and actual neurological components. Just because YOU haven’t done or read the research doesn’t mean it isn’t out there or that it hasn’t been done.
24. But I love it when people: understand that my not being able to keep up with them isn’t in any way indicative of how much i care for them.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “This, too, shall pass.”
26. When someone is diagnosed I?d like to tell them: “You are NOT ALONE.” Invisible illnesses are incredibly isolating, as is pain itself.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how many other people i know who have similar conditions.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn?t feeling well was: … there is no One Thing. It’s all lots of little things. My husband does a wonderful job at so many of these things, describing them and listing them is a post unto itself.
29. I?m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: i think it’s important.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: hopeful that you might understand me better, worried that i might scare you off, and terrified that you might think i was making any of this up.
